approaching ..

midnight, still working in my cold garret, fingers stiff with chill. I need to put them somewhere warm. Where's a boyfriend when you need one? 

I spent a part of saturday packing pork in bags for the freezer. Last autumn i collect fallen apples to feed it, and today I rubbed fine salt and thyme leaves into the flesh, and turned the heat up high. Thank you piggy. 

morsels

Nigel Slater's Best Brownies. Heaven in a tin. The fudgy moist centre is the aim. 

300g caster sugar
250g butter
250g chocolate (70% cocoa solids)
3 large eggs plus 1 extra yolk
50g gluten free flour (60g plain wheat flour)
60g cocoa powder
½ tsp baking powder

Preheat oven to 180ºC and line a baking tin with greaseproof paper. 

Mix the sugar and butter into a fluffy pale cloud. Set aside 50g of the chocolate (chop it up into gravel-sized pieces) and melt the rest - 20 seconds at time in the microwave, stirring after each blast. Meanwhile sift together the flour, cocoa, and baking powder with a pinch of salt.

Mix the beaten eggs into the sugar and butter fluff, a quarter at a time. Beat fast in between additions. Add the melted chocolate and the broken up chocolate (i used white chocolate in this version) then fold in the flour/cocoa and baking powder mixture as gently as possible. 

Put the mixture into the cake tin and put it into the oven for 25 minutes. The surface should have crusted over, but with a wobble underneath. Check with a skewer - if too much mixture clings then put it back for 3 more minutes, but no longer. 

This is a head massager, apparently, but don't be limited by it's title. 

sweet nothings

I made 2 batches of chocolate brownies at the beginning of the week, which left one egg white per batch languishing in my fridge. These are worth making even if you don't need to use up leftovers - add the extra yoke to your frittata or scrambled egg instead.

2 egg whites (unbeaten), 175g icing sugar, 30g of cocoa and 200g ground almonds, mixed together with a fork. Pinch and roll into walnut-sized balls (keep fingers wet), bake at 200ºC for exactly 11 minutes. They will harden as they cool, but you want to keep the moist chewy centre. Try and stop eating them, if you can.

The children have left (the house bleak without them, but at least i can clear the floors) and he is waiting for me an hour away, so i shall depart, with the remaining macaroons. I can't imagine how we might spend the next 4 nights without children to coddle. Ahem.

blistering

Today my youngest child was off school and as we walked back home from dropping his big brother at the playground gate the rest of the day stretched lazily before us, a time for just the two of us to crawl about beneath the kitchen table with cars, or create a masterpiece of lego. He held my hand for a street or two, then skipped ahead confidently.

There, in the morning sunshine, as I turned the corner towards our house, I had a sharp memory (the physical jolt of sensory recollection that made my legs tremble) of bringing him home from nursery, feeding him cubes of crispy edged, moistly savoury eggy fried bread for lunch, pre-nap time, with the prospect of my back door man creeping up the stairs to entertain me while this little boy slept on.

just for you

The last brownie (batch 2) 

contrary

A clever phrase is bound to win my attention, a man of manners will delight me, a gentleman may seduce me but when that line is crossed and a certain nakedness is impending, then, that is when i hope that his decorum will slip, his lips impolite and his fingers impertinent. Disrespect and unchivalrous impatience become the bright flash of an exquisite silk lining in an otherwise perfectly tailored suit.

A lover used to whisper in my ear that he didn't care if i came, that his only interest was his own pleasure, and he was taking it, exactly as he wished. His faux callousness, and carefully aimed palm, were guaranteed to take us equally to where we both wanted to be.

A variation

Chicken Stew, my version of Nigel Slater's Chicken stew and mash, Kitchen Diaries.

Chicken thighs, 8
Olive oil - 50ml, plus extra
Balsamic vinegar - 50ml
garlic - 4 cloves, peeled
Dried herbs - an Italian mix
bay leaves - 4 or 5
pared rind of a small orange
leeks - 3 or 4, thickly sliced

Put the chicken in a bowl (not plastic). Pour over the olive oil and a couple of tablespoons of balsamic vinegar, tuck in the bay leaves and garlic cloves, a scatter of dried herbs, salt and pepper and the orange rind. Leave overnight or for at least four or five hours.

Set the oven at 200ºC. Heat enough oil in a shallow pan. Shaking each piece of chicken (the marinade will spit in the hot pan), fry each piece until golden brown on each side. Transfer to a casserole dish with a lid. In the same pan, fry the leeks over a low heat until they soften - not too hot or they will colour too much and become bitter. Add the garlic, the marinade, the rest of the balsamic and a litre of water. Bring to a boil and pour over the chicken, with the bay and orange rind. 

Put in the oven for 2 hours, checking partway through that there is enough water to cover the chicken. Add salt, pepper or a little balsamic if you wish. Serve with mashed potato.

clink clank

My high heel leather boots have a long inner leg zip and require two hands to remove them, although at this moment I am flat on my belly and even if i could reach them the boots are buried within collapsed denim folds (he knew my jeans could be pulled over my hips without being unbuttoned) and am further hampered by the constricting string of my knickers over hobbled ankles when i hear the metallic beat of his belt buckle undone, and so am i.

chest pains

i am not in love.

Maybe i forgot how.

mea

I needed something low stress for supper tonight, but i didn't expect anything so pretty (or quite as delicious). If you're going to make it, use buffalo mozzarella, so exquisitely soft and creamy. The children asked for second helpings.

6 eggs beaten, a packet of mozzarella and mortadella, chopped. A little grated parmesan, chopped parsley. Beat. Heat butter in a 25cm pan with handle until it sizzles. Cook egg mix for 5 minutes without stirring. Finish under a hot grill.