retracted

The school changed their mind overnight, under pressure from the other boy's parents - they want him back in the class room.

outcome

I spoke to the school this morning.

They did a safety assessment yesterday and concluded that the child in question would not be allowed back to school. I get the sense that the assessment was the procedure by which they could appropriately exclude him. A collective sigh of relief from me and the other mum privy to the situation.

I am trying not to think too hard as to how this small child has learnt coercion before his 6th birthday.

consequences

It is not often that i use this place for anything but silly titillation and tidbits, but today i am so thoroughly stuck with an issue that i am going to have to spit it out here.

It wasn't gossip; it was a mother's frustration and worry that caused her to tell me that there was an incident of sexual abuse at school, between 2 class mates of my younger son. The victim's mum (for it was she) is desperately unhappy about the way social services have reacted, and because the other child is about to return to school. I think i am only 1 of 2 other mums to know, apart from the staff and relevant professionals.

It is a small class, about 15 children. The advice from social services to both the other parents is that, if they are unhappy, they are free to take their children elsewhere to school. Understandably they are under pressure not to discuss the situation.

It is hard to process. I am shocked by the incident, which was significant, and the consequences for both the children. I am also concerned for my child, and acutely aware of the responsibility i have, now i have this small amount of information. Would i want to know, if i were one of the parents of the little boys in that class? - yes, i would. Potentially this incident could label this particular class for the next 6 years.

I am struggling today to concentrate on anything but.

I can't talk to anyone here because my friends are either members of staff (and it would be unfair to compromise their duty of care to the school) or they are parents at the school. Everyone here is a big part of the school. I can't talk to my family as i am not ready to be the reassur-er, as opposed to the reassured, which is what i want to be.

stuttering

He had a broken nose and a sweet smile and abhorred violence of any kind so i felt quite unable to explain my appetite for the cane and strap.

meat

Rolled, stuffed and trussed then spit roasted with generous basting, eaten with sauce and relish; a foodie dream perhaps, except, in my head, it is always me who is the main course.

marked

We walked to the car park together where he stopped in front of me to say goodbye.

"What is that?" he asked, reaching out to my breastbone.

It is the first time he has touched me and i am momentarily distracted from the subject, focusing instead on the pressure of his fingertips, although i know immediately why he asks.

"A scar" i reply.

"There are several" i say dolefully.

"It doesn't matter" he says, except i think it does.

It occurs to me for perhaps the first time that people might refer to me not as the 'the blonde, tall girl' but as the 'the girl with the scars'. My lovers never mentioned them, nor my friends (although they notice bruising, so i can't be altogether invisible). The one high on my chest is very sensitive; they are my weather vanes.

I have never covered the marks or disguised them; i am too busy covering up the invisible scarring to worry about the ones in plain sight.

cheesy

My favourite bit of yesterday; noticing my naked son perched on the loo reading 'Dinosaurs love underpants' to his younger brother, who sat rapt in his bath. I never want to forget that moment (and how hard it was not to giggle).

My favourite bit of today? I'm not sayin' but that's not to say that i'm not smiling right now.

Supper was risotto made with the jelly and left-over meat from the roast chicken with butternut squash and sage (finished with a little double cream and parmesan). It is worth roasting the pumpkin for the intensified flavour, and the crispy sage leaves are a bonus. I added some raw sliced fennel to the plate because i like it so much.

hanging around on the corner

So many frustrations. The trapped nerve in the back of my neck is persistent, the pain killers i take have a cycle of nausea and wooziness; i forget things.

I don't have the strength in my arm to wield a wooden spoon, or carry a heavy pan, so baking has to wait. I am planning intricate cookies and complicated cakes for as soon as i am able. Suppers are simple instead. I let the minced meat catch stickily on the heat of the pan for a darker, sweeter flavour.

My orgasms are medicinal, devoid of passion or lust, purely to soothe and trigger the fluttering tremors that drizzle to the tips of my aching fingers and across the soles of my feet.

love stinks

My breakfast cereal has a motto on the back of the packet:

"Fall in love without getting hurt!"

I think i might stick to their deliciously moreish gluten-free varieties .. the real life alternative is too much of a sting.

postwords

My holiday, in words and pictures (back to front, as usual).

My arm is now functioning, the laundry under control. My birthday was a muddy, druggy haze. Thank you to everyone who checked i was ok.

• The needle man calls. "How is the poor chicken?" he asks (he isn't referring to my supper).
• home; just as i remembered it. One arm functioning, the other just a wet dish rag.
• Razor shells, belly-up crabs and sea lettuce in my bucket
• is determined to end the day with sand in inconvenient places
• Tom tom and i, going places
• i think i am missing some vital pages #life

• He has fallen asleep in my lap; one ear against my heart, the other, a slice of pink peach, peeking above his collar
• Seagulls and curlews and the crunch of dry reed under foot, the tang of clean salt mud and a nettle prick on my bare ankle
• All at sea and i am steering
• is never happier than when my curls are thick with sea spray and toes gritty with sand
• Damp sandy bottoms, coffee in cardboard, fast diesal engines far away

• don't try and slice cabbage for coleslaw while stupid on diazepam #sensibleadvice
• White tea with pomegranate under a twiggy arbor, sun reflecting off white pages
• snagged my jeans on barbed wire while climbing fences. it's an excuse to change into something cooler.
• i sit quietly with my shirt pulled snugly down to trap arms to my side, skin studded with little gold pins that match my leopard print bra
• "i'll need more access today" said the man with the needles, so i kept on unbuttoning.

• my parents are slyly fighting with lemon sharp words of endearment over our herb-crusted cod supper.
• Hazy and vague, more so than usual. Diazepam makes everything cozy.
• haz a tom tom and diazepam
• Has cancelled birthday treat (paulo nutini at the royal albert hall). Die virus, fucking die.
• My puncture holes are aching
• 'Don't show off' said the needle man. I guess that means no bouncing.
• needle play and buzzy electrodes down my spine, all in the name of #acupuncture
• a large man expertly rolled me like a piece of sushi
• #evenbetterthanahotdate #chiropractor
• is wearing summer-ish clothes, in defiance. Am at the beach ffs.
• is very excited at the possibility of seeing a chiropractor today. Please.
• Woke to the smell of my children's vomit in my hair
• only 24 hours later but we arrived where the sky is bluer, grass greener etc etc

• Dozing on the back seat of dad's car watching blue sky through sky light. Neck pain bearable while lying down.
• the dad-bulance is on the way to transport household (including trapped nerve and laundry) to the seaside.
• pain of lying down is sweet compare to standing upright. Children fed up with toast and nutella every meal. SOS sent 2 Grandma. Happy Easter
• vomit, rash and trapped nerve .. a gruesome threesome i don't want to repeat anytime soon.
• i wish my mum was here
• mummy vomiting in sink, small child traps fingers in door; happy holidays everyone.
• lying in the tub with a small child making waves at the tap end, discussing holiday plans.

a day of firsts

I drove my car today, first time in 9 days.

I prepared a meal for my children, first time in well over a week.

I came too, in the early hours, very gingerly.

Tomorrow will hopefully be the last day of acupuncture in my tired and throbbing neck.

HNT/Birthday vintage

There are more photos, if you know where to look.

hint: it's my birthday tomorrow

There is very little sign of spring yet, even close to the south coast.

It wasn't a trapped nerve that did for me at the weekend, after all; it was a virus that attacked the muscle in my neck and shoulder and which seized further during 12 hours of vomiting. Hence the strange rash too.

Eventually I had to ask my parents to rescue us, having been capable of little more than feeding the children on toast and nutella for 24 hours. We were cleaned up and carried off just in time for the boys succumbed to the vomit bug that night. Not such a happy holiday.

Today I have been treaded with needles, fizzled with electrons and spatchcocked under a large, kindly man. Fabulous, although i am feeling bruised and oddly floaty tonight.

BDSM dating versus vanilla.

My latest BDSM date (yes, i was tempted out, but only the once) was fabric shopping in a fancy department store. My next (strictly) vanilla date is a tandam paragliding (not attached to him, but with his fellow instructor).

I have implemented a strict no kissing on first date rule. How long do you think it will it last?

fate, not feta

I'm sure i felt ok for at least 8 hours or so last week, including the afternoon spent crawling around a monster soft play area with giant mallow mountains to clamber up and slippy slides to slither down.

Then, 24 hours later, struggling with a trapped nerve in my neck which has made one arm useless (but unfortunately not numb - the pain is quite horrible) I had a vat of creamy celery soup just coming up to a simmer, a spanish omelette with roasted peppers and feta bubbling cheesily under the grill, all set for supper with an old friend whom i've never met before and the first wave of vomit hit. Literally.

Thank you for stroking my hair xx

not well

bleh

"When you are dead, mummy, i shall still remember you" and he hugs me close.

*

1. 
   stop stealing my blooming vibrators! *rescues lelo nea from under someone else's pillow*8:08 PM Mar 31st via web
   discussing silly money with my solicitor. I shall set up a direct debit and just think about the decree nisi and beyond.7:34 PM Mar 31st via web
   bird seed and flame raisins. Crunchy and sweet2:35 PM Mar 31st via web
   let me be cardio smug today, for tomorrow i will be creaking and wincing2:20 PM Mar 31st via web
   *key in door* i'm home! survived bears, wolves, dark woods, bogs and Surrey (barely). Thanks for all offers (could tweet but not read)7:38 PM Mar 28th via web
   Really seriously lost and upset cos i am an hour late and noone has picked up phone12:04 PM Mar 28th via txt
   Where is surrey?11:30 AM Mar 28th via txt
   Lost, again11:27 AM Mar 28th via txt
   *pops back in for a coat*10:03 AM Mar 28th via web
   has green wellies and a brolly, off to fight the Surrey bears. There are bears in Surrey, yes?9:50 AM Mar 28th via web
   Has an obscene amount of good chocolate in a fancy paper sack5:29 PM Mar 27th via txt
   Am lost in the V & A. help.11:39 AM Mar 27th via txt
   Bird song, faintly blossoming trees and horse poo. I could be back in the shire if it weren't for the strong Pret mocha in my hand11:09 AM Mar 27th via txt
   Not such a slow coach - we have arrived. Grey. Seeking warmth next.10:41 AM Mar 27th via txt
   On a slow coach to london. I'm going to read my book now9:47 AM Mar 27th via txt
   my cough tastes metallic11:32 AM Mar 26th via web
   is making bug eyed monsters from marshmallow chocolate teacakes, sour worms, jelly tots and allsorts.3:34 PM Mar 25th via web
   the afternoon after the lunch of champagne after the session in the gym after the night spent sleeping wth forgotten contact lenses *blurry*3:56 PM Mar 24th via web
   is a duo of double lemon cake in my bottom oven.5:35 PM Mar 23rd via web
   dressing small boys in radiator-warm clothes. They will miss this when the central heating goes off for summer.8:03 AM Mar 22nd via web