cherry ripe

This is easy, quick and deeply satisfying.

It is not baking, but it might be alchemy.

Line a deep baking tray (26 x 31 x 2.5 cm) with baking parchment.

Melt 200g good dark chocolate and 100g unsalted butter in a large bowl over gently simmering water, stirring until combined.

Fold in 350g condensed milk and 250g grated coconut

(gently toasted in a large dry pan) and 200g glace cherries, chopped.

Spoon the mixture into the prepared tray and spread into an even layer.

Chill in the 'fridge for 4-5 hours, then cut into small squares.

Store in the fridge between nibbling.

I did something today. Something HUGE. Something TERRIFYING. Something i should have done months ago, but at least now the first step is taken.

The funny thing is, when i arrived at the door with my ticking time bomb in hand, the door was locked. The idea of returning home having *not* delivered the envelope filled me with absolute dread. I waited for a minute or two, heard the rattle of keys, and the secretary appeared from the basement. A big sigh of relief.

So, the divorce papers are in. The rock is rolling.

My bucket of sad keeps overflowing.

growing up

Today I bought a little black mackintosh coat and a pair of very, very red and flimsy knickers. Perhaps i might wear them together, just them. When i first met my husband i used to collect him up from train station wearing nothing but my underwear and a long, purple floor-length wool coat.

Tonight that man is driving my children to see their grandparents. I am torn between enjoying the soporific silence of the empty nest or finishing the ironing.

Did i mention the date site? So far i haven't been told to 'kneel, puppy', chastised for being too particular in my desires, or called a fake .. such a difference from a BDSM site. Everyone has been charming and friendly, and no-one has asked me whether i am shaved, or what style of butt plug i prefer (it has only been 7 days, after all).

remind me

I felt him climb stealthily into the bed, waking briefly enough to notice his skinny pyjamaed knees pressing into the back of my thighs as he cuddled in close. I woke awhile later, appreciating the comfort of his feet draped over mine until i remembered the new crop of verrucas i am treating on his big toe.

Dating sites drain all sensuality from me; i am a husk. What is it like to be aroused? I think i forgot how.

a temporary high

A view, and a fine meal

Randomly swopping handbags for the weekend, i rifle pockets for forgotten items, finding (behind a couple of zips) a favourite pair of lacy sea green knickers, still in that unmistakable twist; a smile and a blush at the recollection of when and why.

the cathartic pleasure

of a good cry is made easier when the trigger is some stoopid tv drama about mothers never leaving their babies behind and suddenly i am weeping for the frustrations and the sheer futility of the last few months.

'nuf said.

Those fancy packets of dried mango strips dipped in award winning dark chocolate? Strips of yellow leather from which the chocolate splitters and cracks off ... not as fun to eat as you might imagine.

I did lots of Pony Trotting today. With overhead arm crossing. My hamstrings feel like that they have been chewed upon (i can't necessarily blame the pony trotting; i tend to overtighten my leg muscles with deep orgasms. Yesterday i even had gripping spasms in my toes).

I received a postcard today, which made me smile. There is a lot to be said for a pen, a stamp and a kind sentiment. I should never fuck a man until i have seen his handwriting. Does the modern mobile phone dehumanise us so much? I think perhaps it does.

I am going to the beach tomorrow; i should take my address book with me.

Welcome to a new feature: Carnalis Does Dating

I might as well make light of the awfulness of self-selling in the market of the disillusioned and disheartened (or plain nutty).

As said by one chap i happened upon yesterday (i quote) "there are a number of reasons why people use this site I suppose....For me I've always felt easier talking to ladies for some reason...this has nothing to do with gay tendencies ..."

Why does talking to ladies make one fearful of one's heterosexuality??

In a site of over 10 million profiles, mine was recognised within 17 minutes by G. It was good to catch up; he is now single, as opposed to when we first became friends. He asked me on a date .. in Banbury (yes, you may laugh, you-know-who-you-are). I'm not going.

I have also noticed a pleasing amount of tall men. On BDSM sites i invariably check height from the start, because Doms are, so very often, so very short. And i like to wear heels. That is a tick, then.

Is it too late to become a physics geek? I have been watching the Wonders of the Solar System (click link for a short trailer) with the children after supper. Never mind my specifically non-scientific muses over the doe-eyed, fancy-tongued and smiley Professor Brian Cox (who is older than me, yes i checked, and he is rock star too).

I poached a gammon in coca cola today, to feed two rounds of visitors with thick sliced ham, chips and coleslaw. (A kilo gammon, snug in a tightly fitting pot, covered with full-fat coke. Simmer briskly for an hour, partly covered). The salty, smokey stock i will use to stew a red cabbage tomorrow, to eat with the remainder.

I am thinking about dating again, but i want to try something different from the BDSM forum that i frequented last year. Can anyone suggest a legitimate 'nilla site? Does Match.com work?

I may be addicted to yoga;

my inner thigh muscles have never felt so good.

if only life were

... as easy as pie.

Eat hot, warm or cold as a stolen slice straight from the fridge. This is comfort food that is easy on effort, so very simple, and fills little and big tummies equally happily. I added sharks to my pie crust; a pie without frivolous embellishment is somehow naked.

Sophie Grigson's Sausage and Apple Pie

Take a 450g packet of ready-made puff pastry (if you will. Make your own if you have the urge). Cut the block in half and roll one piece to generously line a shallow 9 inch pie plate.

Take a quantity of good sausage meat (a 450g packet of fat sausages cut from their skins is an excellent choice) and spread evenly across the pastry sheet. Season with pepper, nutmeg and fresh chopped sage (3 or 4 leaves). Peel, core and slice 2 large eating apples and arrange the slices evenly across the sausage meat. Season again with pepper and nutmeg.

Roll out the remaining pastry to form the lid. Beat an egg yolk with a tablespoon of cold water and brush the edges of the pie pastry with the egg wash and lay the lid on top. Press the edges together to seal, and trim the excess. Make a hole in the centre of the lid to let the steam out, and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Put a baking tray in the oven and preheat the oven to 220ºC.

Brush the pastry with the egg wash (after adding fish or otherwise-shaped motifs) just before popping in the oven on top of the baking tray so the base gets an instant blast of heat. After 15 minutes, reduce the heat to 180ºC and cook for another 30-40 minutes until the apple is tender.

I may not be on twitter for awhile, or anywhere else online. But here is my safe place, with the secret windows that only look inwards and never out.

twitch

• accidently dropped trifle down my cleavage. Cold but thrilling. Probably the most fun i'll get tonight
• my children are cage fighting
• clean in my bath, but i''ll never be anything but dirty in my mind
• rockin' (while my foot is throbbin')
• has cooked a juicy meatloaf (with lots of leeks and bacon)
• it is cold in here *perky*
• my foot is broken. I speak metaphorically but, if it doesn't stop hurting, i will be forced to break something.
• once this cake is finished baking, no-one, no-one (i repeat) can keep me from intimate time with my duvet.
• is struggling with an enormous parsnip
• "now then young lady" he says, waggling his finger at me. I think my ex-husband is flirting with me. And he made me a hot water bottle
• is multi tasking; a dark & sticky stew with right hand, meatballs in cream sauce with the left hand plus buns in the oven.
• is watching glorious arses #bobsleigh
• happiness is a well-worn weekend
• had a dream about @swickes
• Driving home with happy singing and occasional sobbing; such are the lows and joys of multiple orgasms.
• pretending i'm in an alpine resort. the buffet breakfast and musak is for real tho
• grating organic primofiori lemons. My happy place.
• the children are cozied up to the radiator together, gurning and drooling over tatty copies of playmobil catalogues. i, on the other hand, have a pile of cook books to stir my inner regions. Am turning on the oven for a batch of lemon-drenched lemon cake
• postie tells me that it is snowing cotton wool balls in chipping sudbury. Am cosy by the stove, watching downhill (emotional viewing).
• has self-inflicted soreness
• the pinnacle of my ambition tonight is to sort this box of socks. Anything else will be a masturbatory bonus.
• my skin smells of sweet things
• it is all well and good, but it does make for so much extra laundry.
• a reunion with an old friend has given me a big smile and a slightly crooked walk.
• smoothies made from frozen mango gave children ice-cream heads for breakfast.
• my husband kissed us all goodbye as he left us at the bus stop. It is probably the first time in 18 months that he has touched me so
• Mischief made, heading west once more.
• Suddenly in london alone
• Krispy kreme smiles, in a castle, with a dungeon. All happy

i should be more careful

I can hear my youngest coming up the stairs, yelling (not unusual). I ignore the exact words until he is up close and i realise he is directing them at me.

"Treasure" he says, his two hands cupped in reverence about the spoils; a blue-green bottle of tingle lube.

How did that get downstairs? Do those bottles have legs?

And how did he know it was mine?

sweet sleep

Listening to another's dream recollection is often numbing but you haven't had the true stupefying power of the dream stream until you have had to listen to a 5 year old recount his that 'hasn't finished yet', at 6 o'clock in the morning, with Q & A. The cuddles helped but i still found myself drifting off.

Needless to say, i shan't bore you with my own dream from last night but, when the physical ache finally woke me, when my sleep addled mind focused enough to locate the source of the discomfort and the realisation that i had been teetering for too, too long, when i fumbled blind for the ever-present toy beneath my pillow, such was my delight at dreams that i could, barely, contain my vocal pleasure (i bit into the pillow, hard).

somewhere safe

It took me 25 minutes to drive there, and every mile i felt as i were drowning. Snot and tears, no breath and too much messy wet heat smothering my face.

My brother doesn't ask questions, which is nice. He does, however, provide champagne, strawberries and scallops (with a cream and bacon froth) without any suggestion of excess.

I woke slowly this morning (which rarely happens) and i watched the view for awhile.








When i got home this afternoon my ex husband had dismantled the cot, just as i had asked him too.

savoyarde

I liked this. I LOVE potato dauphinoise and jansson's temptation but all that cream .. oh la la .. it is not good for my butt. I needed an alternative and this works well. It looks great too (i forgot to take the final photo - spank me) and tastes wonderful at room temperature, with ham.

Thinly slice 3 large baking potatoes (about 900g) - thin as you can, with a sharp knife or a mandolin grater. Put the slices in a bowl and season with salt, pepper and grated nutmeg.





Stir in 3 garlic cloves, finely chopped, then add 115g grated Gruyere cheese. Turn to coat as evenly as possible.

Layer the potatoes in to a generously buttered shallow gratin dish. Pour over approx 400ml chicken stock, just to cover the surface. Dot the top generously with butter and bake at 190ºC for an hour or so.

Hot, bubbly golden goodness (you'll have to imagine that part).



it is a crappy day. When my belly aches like this i just want to be cuddled and loved. It's been a long time.