simple pleasure

I was asked how i masturbate. Not physically, but mentally; what do i think of, what do i use in my head?

I don't make up scenerios, I rarely use porn (i occasionally get caught up in porn and need to get myself off, but i would still revert to my usual pattern for the final moments). I don't imagine 3-somes or suspension or orgies (all the things i enjoy talking about doing) not when it is just me and gigi in the dark.

I picture myself in submissive, available, vulnerable, surrendered positions, watched by someone I like. Nothing fancy, just him and me.

Maybe it is why i get so much out of phone sex; i get to paint the picture of my submission with his voice in my ear, just as if he were standing behind my bent back.

I wonder sometimes whether, if i put in more effort, i might get more out it. I'm not complaining - i can come several times in a few minutes - but should i spend more time to achieve just the one, make it linger and prolong the climax? Maybe. I think about variety, but, when it comes to the crunch moment (i am tired, horny, or need to get up because the alarm is about to go off) i don't .. i go for instant gratification, every time.

Maybe i need him to hold me back, make me slow down. I might enjoy that.




The only photo of last week's meatloaf. I skipped the bread and milk, grated an apple into the bowl instead and added an egg. I made two loaves. We ate one that night, with big chunky chips, steamed pumpkin and ketchup; the house smelt deliciously of sweet bacon and leeks.

Vanity

An ex-lover rang me this morning.

"You sound better" he said happily.

I am better. I can walk today, which makes a huge difference. My skin doesn't feel good - i am itchy and sore across my belly and legs and my hair isn't as curly as usual. I can remember the last time i came, earlier this week, but only because it was with him (no, not the ex-lover; my lover with the magnificant thighs). The orgasms were huge and glorious, but i haven't touched myself in the days since.

It all began with a pair of black leather boots, zipping up my inner calf. I couldn't resist wearing them, all day, even though one of my toes was cramped uncomfortably in the pointed end, and rubbed sore by the end of the day. And then i went swimming. The broken skin on my bruised toe was enough to let in the bacteria, which eventually spread to the sole of my foot. My toes have been every shade of crimson, purple and, for awhile, a gruesome black.

3 episodes later, 6 weeks, 6 courses of antibiotics, antihistamines to counter the allergy to the antibiotics, a constant diet of painkillers .. i feel parched and uncomfortable, swollen and fractious.

I have a laundry crisis: with only half a foot i have done the minimum of chores (the children's school uniform) and there was nothing i wanted to wear in my wardrobe this morning. I pottered about in my knickers for awhile, but it is not warm enough yet, so i reluctantly found an old pair of jeans. I was surprised they fitted so easily; it is only my skin that is restrictive, rather than my clothes. I have lost my elasticity.

emergency aid

The best so far. Lemon-drenched Lemon Cake. I don't even have to type out the recipe (thank you Joy The Baker). It is a perfect soft texture, and a good acid hit of lemon. It makes 2 cakes at the same time. I was particularly intrigured by the different method: sugar rubbing and the use of double cream. It promises much and delivers; lemony-enough, even, to suit the pickiest palates.

I don't feel very well. My toxic poison foot has returned.

well worn

Laughing, coming, crying, sleeping, cuddling, eating, shopping (but not all at the same time).

love:silence

Toad In The Hole. Big, fat sausages swamped in crisp batter, with a satisfying bite of soft savoury pancake underneath.

I spent a morning flagging recipes. Top of my list, for the very next opportunity, would be Warm Chocolate Mousse and Mango Brulee, both from The Cinnamon Club.

I fancy a Pimm's Citrus Crush; lime, lemon, orange and pink grapefruit juices with Pimms and tonic, and a little caster sugar to sweeten. When does summer start?

It has been a strange week of treats (mine) and retreating (me). I haven't slept this much, or this satisfyingly, for a long time. I've also been turning off my phone for 12 hours a day .. closing the gate, shutting the blinds, filling the moat.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

blow hot & cold

In my previous life we would drive through the Mont Blanc tunnel to the Italian border seeking pizza for lunch. But, before pizza, we would stop for morning coffee. There is an alpine village at the far end of the tunnel with little coffee shops which serves the best. hot. chocolate. ever. I have sought such delicacies ever since, with no satisfaction.

I now know what i was drinking (spooning) in that den of sweet decadence; Budino di cioccolato (as found in Nigella Lawson's Express).

250ml full-fat milk
125ml double cream
60g caster sugar
1 x 15ml tablespoon cornflour
35g cocoa powder
2 x 15ml tablespoons boiling water
2 egg yolks
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
60g dark chocolate




Put the kettle on, and warm the milk and cream in a saucepan (or in the microwave).



Put the sugar and cornflour into another saucepan and sieve in the cocoa powder. Add the 2 tablespoons of boiling water and whisk to a paste.

Whisk in the egg yolks, one at a time, followed by the warmed milk and cream, then the vanilla extract.

Scrape down the sides of the pan and put it on a lowish heat, cooking and whisking until the mixture thickens to a mayonnaise consistency. Nigella reckons about 4 minutes .. if, like me, your heat is too low it will take longer. I slowly increased the heat until the mixture swelled.

Take off the heat and whisk in the finely chopped chocolate, before pouring into 4 small glasses or cups.

Serve straight from the pan to warm the cockles of your heart.

Alternatively, cover the tops of the cups, allowing the cling film to rest on the surface to stop a skin forming, and refrigerate. Take out of the fridge a little before serving (with cream, perhaps).



Or with macaroons, if you fancy (and a good use of the 2 spare egg whites).



My poison leg is slowly repairing. I was shocked today at how weak my balance is on that side of my body (thanks for asking xx).

tummy ache

it is trivial, but all mine

• is going to wear red shoes and enjoy sending the wrong message.
• Friday night jollies: batman and robin, blanket and hot chocolate. Batman's stiff upper lip wobbled by feline betrayal. Gosh.
• is really very disappointed that there is no decent chocolate to be found in the house. Sack the shopper.
• has an allergic reaction to the new meds. Heading back to see doc in a mo.
• not exactly skipping, but i am upright
• my foot is a mess of red and purple. I wonder if it will burst
• bacteria infection has now reached my knee. I have flesh pen marks to monitor spread. I am in a low-budget, non-glamorous version of ER
• is throbbing with nasty bacterium. Hurts, hurts, hurts.
• warming cold fingers between warm thighs #guiltypleasures
• has had a photoshop overload, which always leads to particularly vivid dreams. Gigi will spice up the visuals before i sleep tonight.
• "at least you can always hear where they are" says my childless brother, goggled eyed, as the jet stream of noise whistles past us
• sizzle and pop from the pan, a glug, gurgle and bubble from the hubba pot, the crunch of toast loud in my head.
• my dyson cylinder is pretty with bright sparkly hama beads; the dust bunnies must have been eating them.
• can't go to bed until i have moved a week's worth of folded laundry that occupies my bed. Might sleep on the sofa instead.
• my dinosaur chocolate moulds have arrived from the internets. This seems like an ideal craft opportunity.
• I HAVE 7 CHILDREN DOING CRAFT IN MY HOUSE. Send elves, quick.
• where does one go to Get A Life? If someone could give me directions .. i don't have a sat nav.
• has a new pet. His name is Peter, he is a printer and he is referring me for design jobs. yippeeee
• found an ancient address book full of lost and forgotten loves, dead relatives and failed marriages.
• has started eating the cooking chocolate supplies #guiltypleasures
• my new year's resolution (we can forget january happened, right?) is to wear big heels more often.
• is strutting
• hot potato cakes, cold salmon and creamy sharp tartare sauce.
• spent yet strangely refreshed all at the same time.
• is wearing heels, first time in weeks. I knew there was something missing through january ... a tall man.
• spent the night with a Leonard Cohen ear worm. Dreamt i lived in a whore house with my baby and armfuls of black roses.
• dirty daydreams
• happiness is finding candy button moulds online. Small edible trinkets can't be beat.
• tonight's curry is a tongue twister in more senses than just tingling heat: pepper, pumpkin, peas & prawns.
• Dreamt that i was tied up with a long string of pearls. Very Erté; long legs and ankles in the air, dripping with jewels.
• my dumplings have swollen satisfactorily
• has come up to a rolling boil
• my oven is warming and my hob is aflame.
• full of cheesecake and well-being, still.
• a quadruplet of silliness
• cheesecake is a fucking triumph
• confession time
• dauphinoise. hic.
• parma ham and fig confit. giddy.
• champagne and rhubarb syrup
• has cranked the cork
• me and 3 friends playing "come dine with me" tonight at my house. There won't be scoring, but much drinking and giggling.
• whisking hot chocolate pudding wearing nothing but an apron and long mis-matched socks. A splash incident occurred.
• morning fun with gigi, then more beating; cream and vanilla for my cheesecake.
• soreness
• there are 5 small children playing in my house, and i am trying to send a job to the printers. #hellonearth
• last night's chocolate orange cake has gone, bar one slim slice which i shall have with expresso at teatime
• there is an extremely fit man outside my kitchen window. He is doing high kicks and sprint starts. I burnt my onions.
• new, bright, lacy white, cut high for maximum cheek, under tight denim #guiltypleasures
• my hair is misbehaving. I have a wide curl which refuses to fall anywhere but across my right eye. I might trip over something.
• left-over roast potatoes with a little sweet chili sauce, because no-one is watching #guiltypleasures
• likes to offer a choice. so will serve vanilla & dark cherry cheesecake, with a side order of Budino di cioccolato with chocolate macaroons
• doesn't need to complete a tax return this year. (all that worrying for nothing .. mutter, mutter, mutter). shall make cake instead. Little, light and lemony sharp cakes. Dozens of them.

throb

Sitting on my big leather sofa, watching daytime TV and trying not to think about the evil bacteria which is climbing up my leg. It started with a small cut on the bottom of my foot, and now i have a black toe and hot, red lumps in my calf.

I can't stand up, so i can't cook, but i can still talk cake. Cheesecake. Cool and creamy. Soft, sweet and tart. And very simple. Beat and spread. A little like making a sandwich.


Blitz 125g (gluten-free) digestive biscuits to crumbs, add 75g soft butter and whiz to make the mixture clump. Press into a 20cm springform tin and smooth with the back of a large spoon to form a slight rise at the outside edge.


Beat together 300g cream cheese, 60g icing sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and half a teaspoon lemon juice.

Lightly whip 250ml double cream and fold into the cream cheese mixture.

Ladle the cheesecake filling on top of the biscuit base and smooth with the back of the large spoon. Chill in a fridge for 3 hours or overnight.






Carefully, gingerly, remove cheesecake from the tin (i recommend leaving it on the base to serve). Spread a jar of St Dalfour Rhapsodie de Fruit Black Cherry Spread (or similar; any conserve with no added sugar should be fine) over the top.

Another Nigella

It looks very plain - even with a gold candle stuck in the middle of it - but the aroma (citrus cocoa) and the dark, glossy sheen is sophisticated and tempting. Eat with a fork, with perhaps a little cream added for glamour. Perfect for serving at the end of a meal; moist with a lightness from the copious fruit. Almost one of your 5-a-day.

Nigella Lawson's Chocolate Orange Cake

Start the day before, simmering 2 whole oranges in water for 2 hours. Painless.

The next day pulse the entire oranges (removing any obvious pips), and beat with eggs, sugar, cocoa and almond meal.

It doesn't get any easier.

I started taking photos with good intentions, but, once the cake was on the plate it was a matter of minutes before it was desecrated. I made it for a friend's birthday, left the cake in their tender care, and on my return all i found was one lonely slice.



6 large eggs in a bowl.




Add 1 heaped teaspoon baking powder, half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, 200g ground almonds, 250g caster sugar and 50g cocoa.




Take the two boiled, drained and cooled oranges, cut in half and remove any pips. Pulse in a blender to a grainy pulp - you need about 375g, but i didn't measure mine and it worked perfectly regardless. Add orange to the other ingredients and beat together to a thick batter with flecks of orange. Pour in to a 20cm springform cake tin, base lined. Bake at 180ºC for 45 minutes, cover with a layer of foil and continue cooking for about 15 minutes or so. Allow to fully cool in the tin.

lashing

Even with my eyes squeezed shut i can see the shape of my body curled up on the bed; the cascade of red lashes echoes my shape perfectly as his hand hovers, such sensations that make markers in my head, a virtual scan of intimate planes.

He began at my face, burying my cheek, mouth and nostrils in the saddle smell. There is a surprising weight, as if an animal settled across my neck. I retreat further into my skull, letting out breathe in tiny gulps. Then an aching delicacy across my throat as the creature moves, tickling my shoulder, sweeping over the arm that protects my breast. A slow trace over rib falling into waist, a few tendriles caressing my belly, a fine leather rain reaching as far as my curved spine.

His brushes become broader as he reaches my hip, a velvety drag in one direction followed by a light stipple on the back stroke. There is a upward motion from knee to buttock, repeated, until i twist onto my belly, still protecting my chest, to offer both rounded cheeks to his attention.