not enough hours in the day

I bounced out of gym today, long-legged in jeans and my favourite fluffy fleece. He is standing at his office door, waiting, as he usually does on Mondays. We exchange kisses on both cheeks, as usual.

Then he says my name, takes the lapels of my jacket, pulls me close. For a moment i think he might put his hands on my waist.

"How much are they paying you?" he asks.

"You can't afford me" i reply.

let live

I am a glutton for chocolate, and colour. Rocky road made with pink marshmallows, red glace cherries, dates and raisins and dark, dark chocolate, with a layer of white chocolate as icing. It is as if i am eating a slab of the densest fruit cake.

I took the children swimming this afternoon, filling my never-quite-unpacked Every Occasion bag with towels and little trunks. Wet and cold, an hour later, i am digging through the contents for the ever present shampoo. Except all i can find is a pretty glass dildo in a silk bag, a curled-up and contented gigi and a large bottle of lube. Again.

HNT/open wide

cod

Today i had lunch with my family. My brother is a chef and is fond of food gestures, hence the large volume of scallops.

After school my children attach themselves closely to their grandfather. My eldest tucks his toes against grandpa's leg as they sit together on the sofa, chatting. Grandpa holds his grandson's feet in a casual cuddle, a gesture i recognise from when i was a child, a comforting intimacy that i miss dreadfully but makes me so glad to see.

colour blind

My eldest boy wanted to know whether i would be at home tonight.

"Yes" I say, "but i might go for a swim while daddy makes you supper."

"Do you mind me going away for a night?"

"A little" he says, gripping tight.

a few of my favourite things#1

Views of Dyrham Park. My favourite is the last .. 3 kings bearing gifts.

It is a strange thing that i used to be terrified of the weekends. For awhile i felt neither part of a family nor free, either missing my children if i left the house or struggling with trying to fit their father back into our lives, however briefly.

Recently i have found the freedom of enjoying the children for myself, abandoning routine and chores to be together and be silly. Small steps, but in the right direction.

fluff

Is it possible that all i do is think food and innuendo?

• scrambled eggs for a scrambled head
• anonymous receiver of my random giggly phone call is now flirting with me.
• ♥ nigella. White chocolate & almond torte is a triumph even if slightly charred on outside - still wonderfully moist and fragrant.
• inadvertently making nuisance calls on mobile phone
• doesn't have enough wine glasses for tonight's party. Shall have to improvise.
• "don't worry if cake is tinged golden brown". Damn it, Nigella, my cake is bark brown with 20 minutes to go.
• slips her thumb in to a slab of chocolate truffle meringue cake
• is a busy bee, collecting all the honeyzz
• the thought of thick cut baked ham, sweet vinegary red cabbage & hot salty chips has sustained me through this chilly afternoon #teatime
• monday morning pilates found weekend bruises i didn't know i had.
• crash lands back into reality, but a bumpy arrival is cushioned by the warm breathing of sleeping children
• is juggling many balls today.
• is surrounded by warm, oozy chocolate cookies
• score! found last night's forgotten baked potato at the back of the oven. Little pleasures.
• i feel quite giddy from the hugeness of my jpegs
• loves loves LOVES phone banking when he asks what he can do for me in an as-deep-as-a-well, lusciously furry irish brogue
• the slightly-grubby, not-so-dirty stopout is home, throbbing silently.
• i might possibly go insane taking a long car journey with warm, sticky cake as my only companion.
• burnt her tongue on hot butterscotch sauce
• had forgotten how very, very good that can be.
• cheesecake has a perfect wobble ..just like my boobs when i giggle.
• crumbs, jam and cream upon the sheets.
• has her hand deep in a pumpkin's slimy gizzard

life#1

I made my favourite meat burgers for our nursery tea, with lots of roasted red pepper chopped small (they don't notice anything but the extra sweetness). I also added a big handful of grated Parmesan - it binds just as effectively as an egg would.

*

I keep reading my divorce petition as if it might, one day, make sense.

On reflection I don't suppose any of it will ever be fully comprehensible.

*

My little boy is obsessed with super heroes and special agents. He came home from school in high excitement today, having played 'careers'.

"Mummy" he declares excitedly, "when i grow up i want to be a TRAVEL agent."

I can only imagine his fevered imagination constructing the dream of a world wide superhero.

Dirty phone calls

life would be a bleaker place without them. If there is more fun that can be had on a phone between two people for whom geography is not working, then i want to know about it.

ridden

He spent most of the time behind me that day, my legs either bent beneath me as i squatted or flat out, pinned beneath his arse as his knees straddled my hips.

His hands never leave my body, resting his palms on the middle of my back, squashing my lungs into shallow pools so i breath roughly into the sheet until he shifts his weight to my shoulder blades to force my hips upwards. Later he grips my waist to pull me sharply back into his groin, then one hand moves to my neck to hold me still while the other swats at my proffered cheek, rosy flushes heating my flank.

plain & simple

"Com'on boys" i said, dragging them, whinging, from sacrosanct afternoon play time and persuading them to don shoes and coats for a trip to the supermarket.

"I need to buy a new iron" i explain, to the grumbles.

"I know" says the eldest, unable to resist showing off his ultimate knowledge. "The old iron probably broke when it fell of the table".

"Ahh" i say, with new understanding.

*

My husband began his new life this week, back where we started as a young couple in love, in the Big City. He says it is very strange to be there, single again, starting over. It is strange for me too.




Buttery, lemon-scented Maderia Cake. It won't knock your socks off, but will melt your heart.

400g soft butter
400g caster sugar
7 eggs
450g self-raising flour
4 tablespoons lemon juice

1. Line a 23cm round tin (or 20 cm square tin) with greased, greaseproof paper - base and sides. Pre-heat oven to 160ºC.

2. Place all ingredients in a large bow and beat well until creamy.

3. Pour into the tin, level the surface.

4. Bake until firm to the touch and pulling away from the sides of the tin - about 1 3/4 - 2 hours. Cool in the tin for a short while and remove to a wire rack. Slaver with butter icing or fondant. Will keep well for a week or more, if iced.

late at night

I am bent over in comfortable low light, my face pressed into the unfamiliar mattress by the weight of his forearm along my spine, folded into the small space between him and the wall at the top of the bed.

He kneels close, pressing his thighs inside of mine. I can feel the strength of his leg along mine as he settles wider on his knees, forcing my legs further apart. My hips open, the cleft between my cheeks spreading and flattening before him, pressure tugging at the focus of my (his) attention.

HNT/bedroom lights ..

.. hallowe'en nails, a blue vein and a small round scar.

smokin' balls

It has become a habit to take a photo of the suppers i cook. They are not always very good visuals - meat dishes can look such a mess - but i like having the reference.

The whole point of this (slightly bizarre) exercise is that i have a record of dishes that i like once my husband and i have split our assets. I assume that he will want most of the recipe books; books are not important enough to fight about. I shall save my energies for other things.

Roast Meatball Curry

This was my inspiration, but i did my own variation. I used beef mince, and my usual method for gluten-free meatballs (grated apple, carrot and an egg), roasted (slightly over coloured, in this case) in the oven and finished in an onion (and secret vegetables) and spice base with beef stock for extra flavour.

future looking

I'm not fond of looking far to the future. Planning for the next 5 days seems a huge hurdle at the moment. However, this is my view for leisure time spent NEXT winter (yes, a beach hut again, for months and months).

How strange to think of all that must happen before then.